I feel very very very terrible....
He actually told me that he wanted to break up... but I managed to persuade him to give this relationship another chance... he finally agreed but told me that his reason for wanting to break up is because he said he loves me too much but does not feel the return. He feels that I am not loving him enough or not putting in enough effort into this relationship and not showing him enough concern.
I feel very wronged. Very heartbroken and sad... I just cant stop crying... although I've managed to retain this relationship but I don't feel good at all... I still love him alot, may be that's what makes me feel so shattered... so upset over...
I admit that I might not show him as much love as before, but that was because he changed too much. He is not like the him last time. He did not show concern to me too. Gave more attention to his friends n colleagues. It's like.. whenever I want to spend more time with him, he will always have plans with his friends later. He no longer sends me home. He no longer tells me that he loves me. He no longer would show concern about my health and brushes me off. Always say that I am falling sick so it's normal le. He makes decisions without considering about my feelings. Although ultimately, he gives in, but that was because I blew it up. If I did not do so, I'm sure he would have went ahead to proceed with what he wanted to do. He told me that he wants to save for our future, but he does not have any savings. He is not doing anything to assure us of a future. Then he blames it on me not wanting to get marry early cos I want to do things which I have planned on my own. But how can I get married now? No savings, no nothing.... I really do not feel secure marrying him. I do not want to end up like my mum. That is the last thing I want to happen in my life. He said that I do not ask about how he feels, but when I do, he does not tell me. If he dont want to tell me, I respect your decision, keep quiet and gives him moral support. Do you ask about how I feel? No. He also din ask. But I share with him. I take the initiative. I am sick and tired. Yes, sometimes I feel like giving this relationship up, but deep in my heart, I know I love him too much to really do it. And he just told me that he loves me too much that's why he want to break. I feel really very terrible... like what have I done to deserve all these?
This time round, I am really hurt. My tears just cant stop rolling down my face.... i'm in deep pain.. very very pain... until i duno if i can forgive him for this...
So much to do, so little resources...1) Get a new spectacle- My old one is out of shape. It's like a reading specs now.. haha... May be I'll make a trip down to Kluang to make a new pair. It's simply too ex to get one in Singapore...
2) Get my 2 pairs of Charles & Keith shoes! 1 flat, 1 heel... most of my shoes are all worn out already... though so, I feel satisfied. I like to use things till they wear and tear... makes it worth it..
3) Compose lyrics for a chinese contest- I've been trying my best to submit entries for such competitions. I recently handed in a short story for a local competition which I doubt will be of much interest... but it's a start for me! And it gets me to start writing for my book...
4) Read harry potter and the half blood price then get the last installment- I bought the book last October.. haha...
5) I want to get this top from Bugis! But it's a boutique where all clothes are the one and only... I din get the other time cos it was a little costly.. regret... duno whether it'll still be there...
6) Mark travel dates at the end of the year and early next yr- If i've saved enough, I would want to travel to taiwan or HK at the end of the yr. But doubt so. And T3 is opening, so might not be able to apply for leave. So if not, just a short trip to genting or a cruise...
7) Get an eyeliner- My eyes have been occasionally sore for the past one after putting on my contacts or makeup. Think it could be the makeup.. time to change for a new set!
8) Head down to any beach to cycle and pinic- It's been ages since I've done so... It's time!
9) Meet up with different groups of friends- it tough, tedious and tiring been the organizer.. haha... dont u guys agree?
10) Get a new digital camera! My mum's camera is going bongus... need one for leisure and work... time to save again... going broke...
11) Work towards my dream!!! A handful of dreams to work towards... this, i think will take a few years to accomplish... wish me luck!Tada! I wonder how long I will take to check the list I just created... haha...
小S徐熙娣-愛不持久
This song totally describes my mood now...
作曲:徐熙娣作词:徐熙娣
爱不可能持久
尤其当一个人怀疑自己的时候
本来更甜美的话
现在却象在吵架
如果没有人想承认
自己还爱对方
爱就变成挣扎
爱不可能持久
尤其当你怀疑我不爱你的时候
本来想牵你的手
现在却觉得尴尬
如果没有人想承认
自己还爱对方
爱就变成挣扎
我不想失去你
又不知道如何表达
我爱你明明在心里面回荡
我不想失去你
又不知道如何表达
下次多希望你能够鼓起勇气说爱我
What is wrong with him? This time round, I don't know how to play my cards...He called me yesterday to say that he feels that we are lacking in communication. I agree with him on this point, but it can't be helped. Our work hours and rest days are totally different, our interests are different too, our views and opinions differ as well. He is more of a night person whereas I am more of a day girl. We are 2 complete opposite creatures who happened to cross path and decided to join into a single line.
Come end August will be our 4th anniversary, I have planned a weekend of celebration for the both of us. He has also taken leave. I simply just don't know why he have to react like this now.
He commented that he foresees this as a never ending problem, or at least till we get married. Then we will be able to meet each other even if he ends work late. What can we do to solve this? I suggested that he change his job. Because for a retail operating hours, his company is sucking his blood. Taking up almost 7/8 of his week, and making them work from 10am to 1130pm whenever they are assigned full shift. I should be the one complaining that he does not have time for me, does not give me the attention he ought to give instead of giving it to his friends or colleagues. He does not drink last time but now, goes to pubs with his friends and can drink to almost a drunken state at times. I dislike all this. But I know that as we age, our thinking differ. We may want to try new things. We mix with different people. We are exposed to many worlds which we have not even seen before. I am alright with that. But if you are going to be like this, don't come and complain that I am the one who is not trying hard enough to make the relationship work.
Now, he does not even want to talk. I went for dinner with him and his family. Sat beside him but he kept quiet all the while even till we went home. I tried to communicate, but he simply just passed a remark to say that he does not even know what is wrong with him. I see no point in staying at his place so I stormed out of the house and went home.
I respected him. Gave him his freedom. He commented that I am not caring enough about him and not loving him as much as last time. He says that I do not ask him about his work or show concern, SMS while at work etc. He tells me about his work so I naturally do not ask him anymore. I do try to find out more but he will just brush me off and say that I will not understand. When talking about SMS, I admit that while at work and especially when I am busy, I will tend not to use my hp for personal use. But occasionally when I do call or SMS, his reply will be busy working, call you later. Isn't that back to square 1? I don't see the difference.
Everything he said from last night till now makes me feel like he wants to initiate a breakup. He says that he is scared he is wasting my time if it does not work out for us. At that point of time, love is not the reason for our breakup but because of the difference in interest. If that day comes, I will gracefully take it. Though I think I might feel strong and able to withstand all these now, I don't think I will be able to recover fast when it really hits me. He ever said before that unless I suggest, he will not initiate. But what is this? I am really heartbroken... I try to organize outings to the zoo, museum, play pool cos i know he like animals and nature, but he rejects all. So what more does he want?
I find all these problems, which he calls, unnecessary. I see no point in arguing, or worrying about all these. I have already given my 2 cents worth of advice and solution. If he does not want to even try, what can I do? I am lost. Confused. Puzzled.
A few weeks back, he even wanted to let his female friend stay over at his place for a whole 1-2 weeks. Common! I will not take this lying down! I am not that generous! That girl was initially at Australia, just started uni. But just into the first week, she decided that she want to switch schools to be the same as her bf. So she needs to fly bk to S'pore to settle the procedures. However, she does not want her parents to find out so she asked if she can bulk at his place. He immediately agreed. Please... think of me can? I told him I didn't like and he said that he respected me that's why he told me, otherwise he can just go ahead to let his friend stay without telling me. I don't think that was very pleasing to hear. I am your girlfriend. It is not just a matter of respect, or whether he wants to stand up for his friend. He claims that he is not the kind to leave his friends in the lutch, but how can he allow this? And what kind of girl would ask if she can stay at a guy's house? Hello!? This is Singapore.. not Australia. You grew up here! Dont you have other female friends? If you don't, then you should go and review your character. It's time to make changes! I told him straight in the face that if he insists on letting her stay, I will break up with him and I meant it. This is serious case for me. I cannot accept it. Although I believe he wont betray me, but who knows what the girl might do. And it's a very sick thought to know that another girl is sleeping under the same roof, in my bf's room. He continued to argue and insisted at first which totally disappointed me. But I won the battle in the end, which I feel that I should. Thank goodness he gave in... but now... he suddenly became like this... actually many problems are self created by us. if we choose to look at things from a broader perspective, then we will not feel so stressful and will live more happily...
I dont know what to do anymore. I only know for sure that I do not want a break up now... when is he ever going to wake up?
Words women use:
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the thrash. So I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down and backwards. 'Nothing' usually signifies an argument that will last 'Five minutues' and end with the word 'fine'.
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over 'Nothing' and will end with the word 'Fine'.
