Below is an email exchanged with one of my sec sch buddy.... she managed to sparked a nerve somewhere in me to write such a long narration of my personal thoughts... haha... she studies pyschology.. may be that's why.. gal.. u have the power! haha..

Thought i'll post it here so i don't have to repeat myself again n again.. n so that u guys can know me better... the mysterious me... revealing here... haha... think u know me well, think twice... haha...

Here goes:

No worries girl... i'm more than glad to have friends who cares about my well-being... tt is one thing i'm really proud of...

Actually, alot of things happened and changed after sec sch days... esp after poly... it's when i have to start taking responsibility for my hsehold expenses.. like my house loan, internet n phone bills etc... the burden i'm carrying is enough to suffocate me.. but i'm hanging on.. tho at times i'll get really tired n would want to 'escape' from reality. That will normally last for a couple of days, at most till one week, when i've fully regained my energy, then start battling again. So i really enjoy meeting you girls. Allows me to forget about all the problems which i need to deal with. It's encouraging and heartwarming.. really...

Actually, this hse loan problem starting last year. When finally, HDB wouldn't let my mum defer payment anymore. $1500! My goodness! That is like my salary after CPF deduction. And I would never offer to sacrifice all of my pay just to fund the loan. That would lose meaning in me working. I know, some pple think tt's it's filial piety, that looking at my family's situation, i should step out to help. but i beg to differ. cos i noe no matter how much i help, who will truly appreciate me? even now when i fork out half of my pay to help, i still get nagged n complains and grumbles. so no point. i better save for rainy days. i'm not tt generous afterall. haha... but i've been a good girl.. giving my aunties n uncles ang paos when it's CNY.. kinda proud doing tt every yr.. haha.. at least it shows i appreciate their help since young right? haha... *thick skin joanne here praising herself*... haha...

Anyway, then when we had to start paying $1500 every mth, my mother wanted us to move to whampoa, to my uncle's place, so that she can rent out the bedok apt to fund the loan. But i objected. First of all, i really hate whampoa. i used to live there. din like it. Secondly, i'm sick n tired of moving. i've got so adapted to living in bedok... it's like... what?! i'm back to this kinda lifestyle again? u know... the same feeling i've got from pri 4 to6.. moving from one place to another.. not having a home u can call it yours.. it's frustrating... that day at the airport, i was sharing with winnie n reina abt this. that no matter what i'm not moving out. but 2 days later, my mum called for a family meeting. saying that she really cannot afford to fork out anymore money. so we're left with no choice but to move. i raised all questions, doubts, suggestions.. but none seemed to work. i give up. i gave in. i'm tired. exhausted.. really.. i've got no more energy... i've alr got to deal with getting a suitable job, all the expenses.. n what's more this. i've also got to be my sisters' pillar of support.. what else.. really exhausted.. so i told them, we'll move. so there... the story behind this whole issue..

You know, even with the job thing. I'm so disappointed. It's like.. my mum n granny.. does not understand y i want to resign even without finding another job first. I tried to adapt, to compromise. but i really dread going to work every morning. i find no motivation. no determination. lost the meaning of working. i see no future. so i want to leave. really to my limits alr. but they do not understand. they choose to think tt i'm not thinking abt the family, tt i'll have no money to give them.. to support myself.. they have omitted to think abt me n my feelings... yes, some others might still say tt based on my family situation, i should stay put. but i've thought so much for my family, i feel that it's really enough. u noe, if i could, i would have straight away accepted the job offer which carries a lower pay but of my interest...it's really something i like.. but cos of the low starting salary which my mum didn't favour.. i gave it up... now i'm like... regretting it? i also duno if i'm regretting.. but i'm young, i should have just went for it. who knows what i might end up doing? but what's the point of talking abt it now.... i can only hope for the best.. now.. i'm going to take a gamble cos i believe there's prospect.. still, i'm not confident if i'll be offered the job in the end because of my medical records.. just praying hard... i guess i'm beginning to escape from reality.. cos when pple ask me abt jobs.. i'll be so reluctant to talk abt it.. try to brush them off.. start to feel irritated.. i noe they are concerned.. but u noe.. it gets to my nerves at times.. sorry if i've offended anyone.. but yeah... i would like to be honest with u.. afterall, u're my trusted friends...

Back to moving out, i'm still deciding if i should move with my family to whampoa or go stay with jason. he lives in tampines, so if i'm working at the airport, it's very convenient for me. but i'm not sure if tt's the right move. cos i dun wan to be in debt to him n his family.. or make it seem like it's definite we'll be together for life.. many things are unpredictable.. i duno.. i still have a few more mths to tik.. till sep/oct.. still thinking...

My sisters do not go bk to msia now.. all trying to work part time to earn extra cash for themselves, which i'm glad. my granny is in spore now.. will be going to US to visit my uncle soon.. so we're all trying to sort out our stuff n pack for the move.. hai..

See how life have changed for me? It's really dramatic.. i should go write n produce dramas.. but at times, i'm glad i get to experience these events, make me learn more n grow up. taste and savour the sweetness n bitterness of life. but too much isnt a gd thing.. makes me pissed off when i see pple who does not know how to appreciate life, the pple ard them n luxuries... really pissed me off... pardon me.. but if i could, i'll give them a peace of my mind.. haha... then again, i do not want to spoil our friendship, so i chose to keep quiet. haha..

Oh well... what a long reply.. haha.. i finally told someone all my thoughts. i've told a couple of friends before, but could not bring myself to narrate the whole story. Afterall, not many can understand what i'm feeling or have been through. Thanks girl for being my 'listening ear'... really appreciate it... sorry for taking up ya time n boring you... how i wish u were here to join us for steamboat on sat.. haii... nvm, let's org another one when u're back! Anticipating!

Love ya loadz gal!

Am I the girl whom you thought I am? Understand me better now?