How do you define freedom? Do you lack freedom when you're in a relationship?

I have a friend who is recently bounded by relationship problems. Though the exact root of the problem is not known, but freedom was one of the suspected issue.

For myself, I always feel that you can never have total freedom unless you migrate to another country where you do not know anyone or unless you're alone in this world without any relatives or anybody who cares for you. Why is that so? Because of your family, your decisions might need to change if it does harm to them. Because of your friends, you might want to forego certain luxuries just to stay by their side. Because of your partner, you want to protect them and always make them happy so you're willing try out things which you previously do not like. Does this make sense? Think about it...

So how do we make ourselves less tied or bonded to all those mentioned above? Destress. Using what method you might ask? Ask yourself that question! Only you have the correct answer for yourself.

I personally frequent the KTV when I am feeling tensed up or when I am irritated by a problem. It always helps me to release stress and make better decisions after I've calmed down. What is yours?

On the other hand, speaking of relationships, if you are in a relationship, do you miss being single? It is very contradicting right? When you are single, you want to get attached. But when you are attached, you are attracted to singlehood. Sometimes I do miss my life of being single. Not that my relationship with my bf is not smooth, but you always have to think of his feelings before you make any move. Resulting in me not doing many things which I would want to do. And guess what's the best thing? We are totally 2 opposite poles- north and south. Yeah, people say opposite attracts. I really believe that now. What I like to do he doesn't. What he adores I don't. Complicated yeah? Last time I would try to give in and give it a try. But in recent months, I totally don't feel like doing so. I thought to myself: I want to live happily, so why should i force myself to do something that I don't like? So I rejected his suggestions at times. Of course there are certain times when you really have to be sporty and play along, especially if it's matters that are closer to the heart. So calling all lovebirds: Love each other, but live the life you want to as well.

Oh well, signing off now...

Eversince after my trip to Genting, my health has been failing me. Ok, it's not that serious, but I was experiencing headaches everyday, plus fever and all. Quite bad. But now, hooray! A trip back to KL really helps!

Yupyup, I went back to KL for a week. It's been a really long time since I've actually went back. Those who know me since my schooling days will know that I always make trips down to KL every holiday. It's my second home. However, work has prohibited me from making frequent visits. Afterall, there's a limit as to how many annual leave we can apply. So peeps, make full use of whatever holiday you can now. You will learn to cherish it more when you've entered the working society.

So anyway, I spent 3 full days shopping in M'sia. Really, shop until one of my nails actually got detached from my skin. It's not totally off yet, but peeling. Kinda pain tho'. May be it's because of my nail polishes. Too much chemicals. Guess it's time for me to go without polishes for awhile. Eeee.... ugly yellow nails! Yucks! Oh welll....

Oh, I must share this with you guys, though it's nothing much, but it's amazing. I found the cleanest public toilet in M'sia! Haha, see! It's peanuts. But for those who visit our neighbour, you have to agree with me that their toilet system really sucks. I don't understand why they can't keep the toilet clean. Haii... but anyway, yep, the cleanest is in... MID VALLEY MEGAMALL! Trust me, I felt so relieved seeing the toilets there.. haha... tho' the water is kinda yellow, but it is very clean... thumbs up! Hahaha...

I kept thinking of my grandfather. My only grandfather I've known whom passed away when I was 15. I remember that it was on a Sunday night. It didn't feel good. Cos' my grandfather actually went to the doc in the morning, but refused to let any of us accompany him. Then when we were watching TV in the afternoon, he fell asleep. I don't know for what reason, but I called him. Probably because I cooked campbell soup, so wanted to ask if he wants to drink. I forgot whether he drank it or not. But he seemed very tired. Anyway, I went on to my studies as I had a Geography test to sit for the next day. At 7+, my granny anxiously called for help because there was no response from the bathroom. My grandfather was taking a shower and passed out. I could see him from the 'feng' (Pardon me, don't know what you call that in English. Or is it a hole?). I can remember really very clearly. Still fresh. It was then that struck me that my fear has occurred. Because for the past few months, I've been praying for my grandparents' health. I don't know what made me do so but I just did. Sixth sense. But it happened. All was too quick. Too quick that I could not cry when his death was announced. At that point, I have to admit I sort of made myself cry. Cos' I was not only shocked by the information, but also shocked that I was not able to cry. I asked myself, am I heartless or what? It cannot be, because I am really close to my grandparents. It was scary. Really, seeing my granny so heartbroken makes it even worst. I can also never forget how my Uncle cried. My fave uncle speeded all the way from KL to S'pore when news was broken to him. It was really late by the time he arrived. And the casket company was already here making preparations. I was in my room sleeping, but woke up halfway. And I heard a guy crying. Literally crying, like a little boy been beaten up after being scolded by his parents for being naughty. I know it's my Uncle. And I guess besides being remorseful, he felt guilty too. For not being an obedient son and whom did not spend enough time to provide a luxury, or at least a few good years, for his father. I know, but I've been keeping quiet. Till this day, I don't think anyone else knows about this. It has been a secret I've keep for years. And let me tell you, this Uncle of mine is a comedian. He makes everybody laugh. Makes everybody happy even if he is down. And seeing him like this makes me very upset too.

All of us were trying to surpress our feelings. But when I actually saw my grandfather in his coffin. I broke down. Totally! I felt weak in my knees. I had to hang on to my Auntie for support. It was like, reality suddenly hit me in the face. I think I scared all my relatives. Cos' they were all rushing up to me to comfort me and to make sure that I was ok. Even my granny. That period of time was a torture, but I saw lots of real emotions from people whom I've never seen. My 2 Uncles especially. One is whom I've introduced earlier on. He broke down again one afternoon, but I know he was trying to lighten the atmosphere after that cos' he actually cracked jokes. The other Uncle is a doctor who was in America when it happened. He did not shed a single tear when he came back. None at all. He even managed to fall asleep when we sent my grandfather. But that night, after all was settled, he broke down. Manz! Even speaking of these makes me wana tear now. Do you know how painful it is? To lost a love one when you did not even expect it and when you have not provided them, or reciprocated them with love and life of luxury? If you have not been through this before, you can never imagine how painful it is. Serious. It is worst than falling out of love. Much more.

Life changed after that. And I must add that they, over in the other world, really protects us. I scored well for my test which I did not even study. I managed to pass my 'o' levels which I rarely studied for too due to my mother's illness which I shall not elaborate here. I... I don't know how to describe the miracle. But here's one to share. After the whole thing, my granny remained in M'sia while I came back to S'pore. But I really missed my granny alot and wanted her to come back to S'pore. She could not though as she have some documents to wait for and settle. I was depressed. The next day, I dreamt of my grandfather appearing in my dreams to tell me to wait patiently and he will try to do something about it. And with that promise, I got a call from my granny the next day to tell me that she has received the documents and will make a trip to S'pore soon. See how amazing it can be? So don't say you don't believe. They do protect us. I believe celebrities will agree with me if they read this post. Go take a look at those people, one example being Luo Zhi Xiang aka Xiao Zhu. He rose to fame after his father passed on and bear in mind, that was his 10th year in showbiz already. See, you have to believe it.

Oh well, I feel much better now. Cos for the past 7 years, these feelings and thoughts have been kept inside my heart. I always wanted to tell people how much I miss my Kong-Kong (that's what I call my grandfather), but had no courage to. I take this opportunity now, to tell him:

'Kong Kong, I really miss you alot alot alot. Really. I have many regrets, many things which I want to tell you, share with you, provide for you, but I can't and will never have the chance. I will give your share to Poh-poh, and try to provide the best I can for her while she is still with us. No promise though, but I will try my best if it is within my limits. I hope you are doing fine and regardless, always remember that I love you and will keep you in my heart always.'